So, I’ve had a therapist for about 6 months now. Started in December 2020 and I’ve really enjoyed the experience. I’ve always encouraged people to get a therapist in my passion of mental health, but I myself never had a long term relationship with one. So this morning as I reflect at the last six months, I wanted to share how I think differently and my experience overall.
My therapist is a black woman, married with a child, she’s older than me, but not old enough to tell how old and has a really bright smile. She lives in the south with locs down her chest and always has an orange, black, and cream head wrap laid on the back of her chair. We meet once every two weeks over video calls that take place either in my bedroom or office, depending on my amount of energy.
When I first started therapy I was eager, I have been struggling with a lot of things that inevitably come up in your 20s and was searching for someone to help me navigate through the journey. I bought a journal as a part of my 2020 solo staycation, that I use as my therapy journal now. I remember talking through the surface level basics with her of what I needed to focus on so she could somehow get an idea of where I was in my life.
I love her style of therapy.
- She is engaged and always pays attention to what I say, and I know she does, because she will bring it back up with a probing question. One of my biggest fears of going into therapy is that I would get a head nodder and not someone who challenged me to grow, but she has already pushed that fear aside.
- She leads our conversations which tells me that she is invested in my time and effort to grow and address the conversations that otherwise I might just skate over.
- And she affirms me, every meeting. Whether it’s “you deserve to be heard,” or “You are a good person, and don’t allow another person projecting on you to change how you view yourself.”
While I feel like she’s doing everything right, I’ve really been wondering if I am being as open as I “should be” in order to grow. And what does that really look like? And, like any relationship it takes time to get more comfortable and vulnerable with another person. This goes back to this strange idea in my head that I always have to present myself cheerful and strong. I’ve been working on getting rid of that toxic narrative for so long, but every day is progress.
During the week I may be down, I may cry really hard, and then once it’s time for therapy, I tell myself I’ve already processed through it and don’t bring it up. So I’ve been asking myself, how to start opening up more with this woman on a screen who wants to help. As I write this, I remember her saying to me, “it takes effort to allow someone to show up for you.”
I often wonder, am I the only one feeling like I have a (natural) guard up on my therapist? Are people just openly spilling their hearts out the first time they meet? I want to be those people.
Therapy has caused me to think deeper. In my friendships, in my marriage, about my work, and about the person I want to be. I’ve developed a nature to ask myself more questions when I get upset, sad, or even happy. I think smarter now and allow myself to process more than I react. I’ve felt a freedom from being affirmed that I deserve to be heard.
I deserve to be heard. In loud places, in spaces not meant for me, and ways that were made for me to just be a listener. I deserve to be heard.
Therapy has been transformative for me in just six months and I will continue challenging myself to allow my therapist to show up for me by sharing my heart more. Vulnerability looks different through out relationships, and you are being vulnerable by simply signing up for therapy. But ask yourself, are the conversations that I am having with him/her/they keeping me comfortable, or making me grow?
All my love.
Stay consistent. Stay motivated. Stay inspired.
Love,
J
