Stop Waiting.

It’s my third day and I already don’t feel like writing lol. I am on a walk and my nose is stuffy and my throat hurts and I feel like if I’ve developed allergies at this big age I need to fight somebody.

OK OK let’s get into it.

Since as long as I can remember I’ve been a morning person. And a few years ago someone told me that someone told them that if you get up that early it’s your spirits way of telling you that you have something to do.

And Ive carried those words for years, because I’ve always woken up and then laid around waiting for others to wake up with me in order for me to start my day.

And now I’m at a point of no more waiting.

I think growing up with siblings conditioned me to be surrounded by people but it also condition me to be dependent on them as well in order to take my steps.

And it’s funny because I pride myself on being independent, but when I take a look back I’m often saying to myself “I don’t wanna do this by myself” or “I love for you to come with me” “I need you to come with me” “I’ve been waiting for you”

Always ready, but forever waiting for someone.

But for  those exact reasons is why I moved away as soon as I graduated high school and  why I moved to Boston as soon as I graduated college, in some unconscious way I was always looking for my independence and I thought that getting away from my support system my family my friends was the only way to do so.

And while I was able to stand on my own two feet when I was by myself, it’s easy to do something when it’s the only option you have.

So when I met Cree, fell in love and got married. Here I go all over again, lending my dependency out.

And then once Covid hit, I grew inevitably attached by the hip with Cree. Almost as if all the work I had done to prove I was independent or to individualize myself was washed away and I didn’t even realize it.

We would go everywhere together, do everything together; from brushing our teeth, to always being in the same part of the house, to going to the grocery store together, I don’t think there was ever a time when one got in the car and the other person wasn’t there, but that was a pandemic right? that was normal.

We were also very much early in love. So it wasn’t until some thing started to return in society that I realize I almost felt crippled if I had to do something without him. So it took some intense intentionality for me to be able to regain my independence. For me to be able to feel comfortable doing it alone again.

And honestly it was hard at first I’m not gonna lie. But I took small steps by

• Going to the grocery store by myself.
• Once I got my own truck I got a lot easier to be able to hop in and get ready to go and not have to ask Cree to accompany me to the hair store to get eyelashes.
• Finding tv shows that I knew only I would enjoy.
• Re-establishing relationship with other people to create balance
• Committing to personal goals
• Working through it in therapy

I think it was a transition for both of us.

I think there’s so much beauty to having your own separate days, to leaving and coming back together again, I think there’s so much beauty in doing what you want without having someone else want to do it to you.

And don’t get me wrong, being independent doesn’t mean you’re not dependent at all. I absolutely need Cree for many things my life and don’t get me started on how much my sister and I call each other throughout the day (ALOT).

But now, I wake up at 6 AM look over and smile at my snoring husband get up and start my day, no waiting.

Stop waiting. Get to it.

Love,

JMoore

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