Alittle Vulnerability Goes A Long Way

Waking up with a grateful heart hits different after days, months, and years of uncertainty. 

I’m in a place where I have the power to design what I want my life to look like. No longer following a regimen handed to me by societal norms or even what my parents, or parents parents lived their life as. This year I’ve been committed to cultivating my days to adhere to what I need.

Somehow, someway my perspective got changed in the beginning of the year and now I can’t look back.

I’ve missed writing, oversharing, pouring my heart into words to relate to others. I’ve been looking for a way for my followers to get to know me a little more and letter crafted stories have always been my way to do so. I am most vulnerable when pen meets paper and when I can hear my acrylic nails bouncing off the shallow keyboard of my Mac.

So, for my first blog in 2023 I will start by sharing little vulnerabilities that have been shaping my year. 

• I come from a family of radical self believers. Stemmed from my father, the entrepreneur, the man who taught us to never take no for an answer and to always expect to win, always. I am a confident woman, I know I am capable, strong, intelligent, beautiful.. I know these things because I was told from a very young age and have been affirming myself ever since. But my self belief much like my faith always had limits, I told myself I could only go so far, I could only do.. so much. I chuckle to myself now, because I have inherited this radical self belief, but it has only kicked in just this year. And I know now, that if I say it will happen, then it is so. I am scared more than half of the time? YES— but I do it anyway, any how, any means necessary.

  I cling to the grip of my own capability, the faith I have in God, and the community I have in my village. I used to “long term goal,” everything because I lived in fear. Long term goal meant I could announce that I would do something, but didn’t have to do it right now, that I didn’t have to show up right now, I could just build the excitement but not have to complete the follow through. Now my goals are for today and tomorrow.

• My passion for travel has been making such a change in my life that I never felt before. I feel invigorated to think about all I can absorb from strange places and foreign lands and unknown languages. I am SO excited to expand as a person, to be a student in another culture and am so grateful and blessed to be able to travel. Traveling makes me feel ALIVE.

  But I also want to travel here, in the states. To small cities and experience the vast nature of the west and the amazzzzing food of the south. I would love to travel every month, even if it’s a road trip or a plane ride, I want to prioritize seeing the world. You limit yourself by only being comfortable. I am still too nervous to solo travel, have you? My best friend does so often and I admire her for it. She waits for no one and I love that about her.

• I have always had a “nice body,” but in parallel have not been kind to my body because I suffer from body dysmorphia. I always think I can be skinnier, and this year I am half and half. Half accepting exactly where my body is and making sure my wellness is in check and watching what I eat and still enjoying something sweet after dinner and the other half screams you need to lose 10 pounds and it’s all in your gut (isn’t it always!).

  I have had a history of being mean to myself and my body mentally because I don’t think I 100% really know what I look like. But I have spent more time this year simply accepting where my body is, keeping myself accountable, and affirming that I am beautiful at any stage. But as a person who struggles with anxiety, I even think about the body I will have after carrying children and that makes me nervous. I’ll spend this entire lifetime learning what my body needs and loving what my body is. It’s a journey.

Okay that’s enough sharing for today. I hope you acknowledge your little vulnerabilities and show yourself continual grace. I hope you look at yourself in the mirror and shower yourself with praise and affirmations because you deserve it, and I pray you have even just one person to call when you can’t do anything else but dial and ask for love.

This life is a journey of ups, downs, forwards, and backwards. I’m glad to be back sharing my heart with you all. 

A year was just too long to be away. 

I’ve also started journaling again and BOY. I use this guided journal and it’s worth the investment. 

Be kind to yourself and romanticize your life the way you see fit. YOU are the main character, this is your story.

All my love,

J