I had never lost anyone
I’ve been fortunate enough to have never grieved the life of someone I loved.
So it’s been 22 days since I lost someone who stole my heart while only being alive for four hours.
I had just saw his mommy and daddy the week prior, and could just see the joy reflecting from his fathers face and the annoyance of pregnancy questions illuminating from my sisters.
Bound to have a second nephew; to spoil, to smile at, to pick up, and kiss on. My heart was set for his December arrival.
I never knew what grief felt like. To wail in a silent house, gripping chest, alone.
I remember calling Cree, asking for him to come home because I just wanted to make it to the hospital in time to hold Elijah while he was still alive.
Such a small little baby. With my mother’s nose, his mother’s fingers, and his fathers face.
Such a little baby that made me feel so much love.
I told myself, he waited for me to hold him before he said goodbye.
Grief is a weird feeling. Because while I never got the chance to make him giggle, to change a diaper, or make up a song just for him, he still made me love him so deeply.
To his parents, my sister and brother, I love you both deeply. You are on my mind everyday. Elijah made you both parents and shared a love thats incomparable. We will always be there for you, no matter what.
To Elijah, thank you for reminding me of what matters. Of holding on to the joy in everyday. To showing up and loving the people in my life.
And to waiting until I got to hold you, to say goodbye.
Auntie loves you, forever and always and then some.
