The other day I was in a journal club meet up and the subject was on Friendships.
For some reason this past year friendship has been on my mind heavily. Who’s still here, who I’ve let go of, who’s let go of me, am I a good friend, who am I showing up for? Something that resonated with me the most was understanding that I require gentle friendships in my life.
As I’ve gotten older I realized that I used to struggle with communicating my sincere emotions, I’ve shared before how I always mistook sadness for anger, resulting into not truly being able to share my heart with the people who were closest to me. And because I didn’t know what I needed or deserved, I couldn’t even show up as that kind of friend either. So it was just a cycle of being unhappy and angry all because I didn’t know how to share my heart properly.
I’ve never liked being yelled at or scolded. I learned early in my life that, raised voices always resulted in tears, my tears. I am also a pretty non confrontational person, believe it or not, and try to find peace even in disagreements. Words resonate with me heavily, so I’ve always had a hard time letting go of negative things directed my way from people I love.
I used to think being sensitive or being sad were displays of weakness. It wasn’t until I fully understood that vulnerability is the greatest strength someone can have, that I started thinking differently.
So, when I finally grew into the happily sensitive woman that I am, I had to fully reevaluate the friendships I had. I started paying closer attention to how they made me feel about myself. I stopped excusing actions that I once convinced that it was, “just their personality.”
It’s much easier said than done to take a step back from the people who don’t love you the way you require. But it is difficult, because you get attached to people and the memories, the families, the good moments, and the connections from all of the bad moments you all went together as well.
Last year, I stepped away from a friendship that I still think about daily. And it wasn’t because I didn’t love the person, or even that they were a bad person. But it was important for me in this exact season of my life to protect my heart, my mind, and the small things that make up sensitive me.
Make sure you’re always evaluating what you require. Give yourself grace on the journey, because it can feel painful, and lonely, and immensely uncertain. But I promise you, you will feel the difference in the love from gentle friendships.
You deserve love in every relationship you are apart of. You deserve grace. You deserve peace. You deserve to be able to disagree without being disrespected and to never feel like you’re walking on eggshells with people you let so near to your heart.
Always choose you first.
Stay motivated. Stay organized. Stay inspired.
-JM
