I entered this marriage more fearful than I even knew myself.
Never thinking I would get married when I did, or randomly “meet” my husband the way I did, I never had the time to fully think about what I thought marriage would be like for me. Probably for the best because I would’ve scared myself out of it.
I wasn’t scared to BE married, I was scared of the natural evolution of marriage itself.
There’s many technicalities to it and through my personal experience, social digest, and cinema I had convinced myself that marriage was a big scary beast that after a while would inevitably grow boring.
And sure there were the “lucky” couples who truly were best friends and only needed one another, but more often then not I was hearing and seeing, cheating, arguing, disproportionate investments and just an uncomfortable dislike for each others spouse. Very discouraging business!!!
But, I didn’t even think that about Cree and I. If you know us, we are best friends, annoyingly in synch, and truly in love.
So, what was I scared of, you ask?
I would find small pockets of inconsistency or error and be triggered by the mere though of it becoming the ONE THING THAT COULD BREAK US APART.
Like, I had to all caps it because that’s how big of a deal I would make something.
Haven’t went on a date in a month, WE ARE DOOMED
No sex in 3 days, WE ARE DOOMED (including 5 days of my period)
Going to bed at different times, WE ARE DOOMED.
And while the things listed above are very important to me (especially #2) I had to and still continue to work through my own insecurities around marriage.
ESPECIALLY because Cree has never given me a reason to even have to worry.
And because I was projecting so much fear onto him, it was affecting our marriage.
It’s like when you feel like you’re going to throw up, so your brain keeps saying “I feel like I’m going to throw up, I need to throw up.” You’re literally manifesting an upchuck.
So, if you’re like me. I have to remind myself to stop letting those intrusive thoughts in.
To write out the reality of my marriage and not the far-fetch possibilities.
To share what I need with my partner and vice versa in order to make sure we are both being taken care of.
There will always be a part of me that is dramatic, that’s simply inevitable.
But— my job in this marriage is to let the great things be great, let the bad things happen, and to embrace every day and step of the commitment we’ve made…
What do I always say… I’m a work in progress.
Cree is my sounding board and best friend and I’ve never met a man like him.
All my love,
JMoore
10/30
