I saw a post recently that read, “I pray you stop judging yourself in anticipation of other’s responses to you.” – @AriSianeh
This is the pressure I put on myself the moment I got married.
It was a weird internal battle, I could dress it up with a fancier adjective, but I’m just here to keep it real.
I never imagined getting married young, I never talked about getting married in my 20s, I only desired to kill it in my career and spend my days traveling, laughing, and spending my younger years wasting men’s time. I never imagined falling so deeply in love and having a best friend as a husband. And no matter how genuine, authentic, and gentle of a marriage I have, I started putting myself in boxes when I got married.
I tried to visualize and imagine what people expected. Does that make sense? I started anticipating the changes that people would expect to see in me now that I was someone’s wife.
Should I hang out with more married people?
Should I dress differently? This was a big one
Should I age myself to gain more respect?
Should I stop going out and having fun with my single friends?
None of these questions were being asked by my husband, family, or friends. I was trying to figure out what the right move was.
I was trying to figure out what things to take and leave from my parents marriage, trying to figure out how to be the right kind of wife, and be happy and be respected.
For a while, I was truly just saying to myself, “I wonder if people respect me more now that I am a wife.” Which, makes me want to vomit… because why would I think respect comes from being on the arm of a man<<<< That’s for another day.
BUT, it wasn’t until I was able to take a step back and examine when I felt joy, when I felt happy, and sexy, and free.
It wasn’t until I could remember what I was doing in those moments where I felt my best that I remembered the right kind of wife is that one that’s happy.
So I was able to answer the questions below
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Should I hang out with more married people?
It is awesome to have a community of people going through the same commitment as you, it’s really nice. Especially new marriages. But it doesn’t mean these have to be your ONLY friends. It was important for me to not try to force myself to connect with people, simply because they were married, because everyone’s marriage looks different anyway.
Should I dress differently? This was a big one
I’ve always dressed HOT, because I am HOT. And I thought I had to conserve my style to be more respectable. Now, did we get more tasteful? Yes, because mamas has some money, but I love feeling stylish, sexy, and fabulous and that will never change. So no amount of loose dresses or blouses were going to make me feel like myself, because they simply weren’t. I love a cinched waist, low back, with the girls out for a ride type of outfit. I have a forever evolving wardrobe style that will change as I do. There’s no reason, I can’t shake what my mama gave me j u s t because he put a ring on it.
Should I age myself to gain more respect?
I realized I would be 40 something one day wishing I soaked up all the youth I have today. I realized that I am young and that is a blessing. And I get to enjoy my 20s, with a man who loves me, with a community of friends and family who respect me for who I am and whoever thinks marriage is the only facet that validates a woman is not worth my time, space, or energy.
Should I stop going out and having fun with my single friends?
NO. I’ve always strongly disliked the girl who abandons friends over a man. Just because you’re not in the same phase of life as your friend does not mean it’s time to part ways! You both may have different priorities or opinions, but if a friendship is true and genuine then that bond will carry on. And there’s nothing wrong with going out, having a few too many drinks, dancing the night away, and laughing until you cry. Plus, distance from the husband is important! Having your OWN LIFE, is important!
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So, while I often still think about the small expectations of others, I can happily say I have returned to THEE hot girl that I know and love. I’ve embraced my youth, my sexy, my independence, with a dash of ‘my man is coming to pick me up at 11pm,’ and I am happier than I’ve ever been.
And through all this time, I’ve had a husband that has supported my change of thoughts, uncertainty, attempts at style revamps, and everything in between. He’s been there to root me on in my passion projects, encourage me to hang out with friends, and successfully photograph my booty pics. It’s about having someone in your corner that will accept you and keep accepting you.
And more importantly it’s about accepting yourself, and keep allowing yourself to grow, change, and flourish without force.
Much love y’all
Stay organized. Stay motivated. Stay inspired.
Love
J
